Living a life of my own

I've been having a bout of stress lately. An opportunity has come up for me, a chance to leave what I've been hating going through and moving forward to something else. A chance that I want to grab but I can't. Why? BECAUSE of family obligations.

I feel obligated as a child to fulfill the dreams, hopes and wishes of my parents. No matter how determined I am to do something else, the moment they send me down the Guilt-laden Road, I cave in to their wishes. For as long as I remember, I have been like this. And I hate being like this. I really do.

I feel as though I am being deprived of living. I am a puppet. A mere existance. Someone that runs when they are told to, sits when they are given a chair. I am lead by strings pulled by my parents. I have no control over whatever happens in my life. None at all.

I wish I had the guts of those characters in dramas, those who stand up against the world fighting for what they believe in. I wish I could do that. And in my make believe world I can. But I still have to wake up to reality.

I remember watching an episode of Ally McBeal, when I was about 15, where she had to defend a client who wanted to be left in a permanant coma because she could lead her perfect life in the land of her dreams. And I remember thinking, I understand what you mean. I really do. At the tender age of 15.

Is wanting to lead my own life such a bad thing? Would I really be labeled an ingrate for wanting to live a life of my own? My parents lead the lives they wanted. So why are they depriving me of that right? They want me to lead the lives that they had wanted for themselves but couldn't have. But what they fail to realise is that is what THEY want. Not what I want. Why is it so hard for them to see that? No matter how I try to reason with them, they still treat me as a child who doesn't know what's best for myself. To them I am a child who insists on having an ice cream even though I have a high fever. That is what I am in their eyes.

I read this book a few days ago, and one of the characters said that it wasn't that he didn't want to cry. But his ran out of liquid tears years ago. He cried and cried so many times that the tears started rolling inwards, forming rocks that hardened his heart against the world.

I am starting to feel that way. I have run out of tears. Now, all I have left is a fort in my heart. I am starting to lose all feeling, my heart being sliced away bit by bit leaving behind an empty void to be filled up by my rock tears.

I am starting to lose myself. I am no longer me. I no longer have dreams and hopes.

What right do I have to want them?

I am, after all, a mere puppet..